6/13/08
Mow Around The Ugly
Up the road from me a bit stands a rather normal, smallish, 1950s build mint-green house. This house was, for many years, unremarkable. Then, one day late last summer, a lovely deck sprouted up as if planted there- rails in perfect symmetry, clean white pine boards marching away from the front door. I drive by this house every day on my way into work, and I remember seeing their sudden prosperity and feeling happy for the owners of the home.
But then, like bad mushrooms after a damp season, something else sprouted on their lawn. Plywood cutout Disney characters, badly painted, appeared one by one on the lawn. I shuddered, looked away, and continued driving. Then two matching mice, four feet tall each, appeared- one in purple, one in pastels. Then a couple of yard gnomes- but unlike any I have ever seen- were birthed upon the lawn one night, hideous writhing creatures with distorted features and colorful crooked pointy hats.
As if these ghastly creatures weren't enough to bring down the property values, something that utterly baffled me appeared- all as autumn was setting in. This latest abomination was a tree of sorts, somewhat like the ribcage of an umbrella, but larger. We're talking six feet in spread larger. From the end of every boingy arm dangles a small plywood cutout cartoon character. These are not merely the licensed normal cuddly cartoons we are used to seeing- Snow White, Cinderella, Watership Down. No, they are, like their lawn cousins, distorted, off-colored (Snow White has a purple bodice and pink skirt, for example) and gruesomely disfigured. Arms do not make normal arm lines, legs stick out sideways from hips, you get the idea. I really wanted to take a photo for you, but on the offchance these people actually use the internet, and found their yard on this blog, well...
When the wind blows, this 'tree' moves a little, causing these spawn of Hanna Barbera Hell to dance a pathetic retarded little jig. As if they were lonely, their number was soon added to in the form of some plastic things stuck into the uneven mound of dirt below them. It was almost a relief when winter's cold fingers crept 'round the Michigan countryside and covered the mess in forgiving white.
But now we are in warm weather again, and all of the creatures that were covered or carefully set in storage have been returned to their posts on the lawn. I drove by the other day and observed the lady of the house- a bent woman who has to be in her seventies- struggling with the lawnmower while her fat middle-aged offspring stood on the deck and drank a beer. I am not kidding.
Because of all the detritus in the yard, mowing is an obvious challenge. The yard is also extremely lumpy, which is never conducive to the temperamental blades on wheels. So, this poor woman was trying to get the mower up a mound of dirt underneath the cartoon lynching tree, trying to duck her twisted elderly frame to avoid hitting herself in the face with the creepies, and trying to manhandle a steel mower possibly twice the weight of herself. How much easier would mowing be if she didn't have all of the ugly stuff dotting her yard? When I drove past just a couple of hours later, it appeared that she had given up (or possibly had a stroke) about two-thirds of the way through. Mangy grasses, thanks to our torrential rains, had grown up and stayed up around the Barf Bunny Twins, the Disney Princess Rejects, and Snow Purple & the Seven Hyrdocephalacs.
Last night we had another downpour, this one worse than all the former ones combined. When I drive by I now cannot keep my eyes from the yard- its like watching a train wreck in slo mo. This morning their yard was a veritable pond. The owners waded through, surveying the damage from the midst of shin-deep water. The Ugly Tree still stands, partially mowed, but most of the rest of the stuff was floating in the rainwater. Now she can mow underneath the bunnies.
But then, like bad mushrooms after a damp season, something else sprouted on their lawn. Plywood cutout Disney characters, badly painted, appeared one by one on the lawn. I shuddered, looked away, and continued driving. Then two matching mice, four feet tall each, appeared- one in purple, one in pastels. Then a couple of yard gnomes- but unlike any I have ever seen- were birthed upon the lawn one night, hideous writhing creatures with distorted features and colorful crooked pointy hats.
As if these ghastly creatures weren't enough to bring down the property values, something that utterly baffled me appeared- all as autumn was setting in. This latest abomination was a tree of sorts, somewhat like the ribcage of an umbrella, but larger. We're talking six feet in spread larger. From the end of every boingy arm dangles a small plywood cutout cartoon character. These are not merely the licensed normal cuddly cartoons we are used to seeing- Snow White, Cinderella, Watership Down. No, they are, like their lawn cousins, distorted, off-colored (Snow White has a purple bodice and pink skirt, for example) and gruesomely disfigured. Arms do not make normal arm lines, legs stick out sideways from hips, you get the idea. I really wanted to take a photo for you, but on the offchance these people actually use the internet, and found their yard on this blog, well...
When the wind blows, this 'tree' moves a little, causing these spawn of Hanna Barbera Hell to dance a pathetic retarded little jig. As if they were lonely, their number was soon added to in the form of some plastic things stuck into the uneven mound of dirt below them. It was almost a relief when winter's cold fingers crept 'round the Michigan countryside and covered the mess in forgiving white.
But now we are in warm weather again, and all of the creatures that were covered or carefully set in storage have been returned to their posts on the lawn. I drove by the other day and observed the lady of the house- a bent woman who has to be in her seventies- struggling with the lawnmower while her fat middle-aged offspring stood on the deck and drank a beer. I am not kidding.
Because of all the detritus in the yard, mowing is an obvious challenge. The yard is also extremely lumpy, which is never conducive to the temperamental blades on wheels. So, this poor woman was trying to get the mower up a mound of dirt underneath the cartoon lynching tree, trying to duck her twisted elderly frame to avoid hitting herself in the face with the creepies, and trying to manhandle a steel mower possibly twice the weight of herself. How much easier would mowing be if she didn't have all of the ugly stuff dotting her yard? When I drove past just a couple of hours later, it appeared that she had given up (or possibly had a stroke) about two-thirds of the way through. Mangy grasses, thanks to our torrential rains, had grown up and stayed up around the Barf Bunny Twins, the Disney Princess Rejects, and Snow Purple & the Seven Hyrdocephalacs.
Last night we had another downpour, this one worse than all the former ones combined. When I drive by I now cannot keep my eyes from the yard- its like watching a train wreck in slo mo. This morning their yard was a veritable pond. The owners waded through, surveying the damage from the midst of shin-deep water. The Ugly Tree still stands, partially mowed, but most of the rest of the stuff was floating in the rainwater. Now she can mow underneath the bunnies.
Labels: bad, bad taste, bunnies, hideous, lawn ornaments, mow, mowing, painted, plywood, rain, ugly, uproot, yard
