Myths and Fables: of Marriage, Part II

So many untruths abound about this institution of marriage. I know that I, as one lone voice in the wilderness, am powerless to dispel anything, but I can try. Once again, this is a segmented series I am writing about marriage (and relationships in general, but mostly marriage). I offer no concrete answers, just postulations and thoughts, questions and theories. Please do not take anything offensively about your own situation, just listen and chime in as you'd like.

Part I of this discussion is here.

• Myth #1:

"Marriage will settle him/her down, make a better person of them. I have the power to change this person."

I would hope, honestly, that no one would be gullible enough to believe this anymore. Alas, this is not so. I do think that less people buy into this as time goes on, but I still hear people (especially women, unfortunately) phrase this in some way or other. Two issues immediately arise about this statement:

1. If they are not good enough for you now, what guarantee do you have that they ever will be?
2. Sure, marriage changes people. What if you don't like the change?

I changed when I got married, and I continue to change. My basic personality has not changed, however. My husband changed, but not his internal character. He gave up the skateboard tricks as his body became less agile, but he still loves punk and freewalking and other alternative sports. I spend more time in the kitchen and the laundry room than I ever planned on, but it's a result of having children and a desire to feed my family things that are healthy and make sure they wear clean clothes. Mike and I have to learn to argue less, as oldest children we are both leaders and can clash easily. We've had to stash parts of our natural personality in order to keep peace in the house. We do this voluntarily, neither of us forcing the other's hand, as that is action not taken in love.

When I married Michael, he was a jobless, car-less kid with a head full of dreams. But I knew that he was a hard worker, and that he'd find another job (which he did, several times since!), and that he would always take care of me.

I was an emotional basketcase, resentful of men in general but determined to love him. I was abused but rather spoiled, prone to fits of depression and mania, and extremely difficult to please. But Michael knew under all of that, there was a heart that was true and loving, and that I would always be there for him.

If I would have entered marriage with the goal of 'straightening him out', if he would have gone into this hoping my hissy fits and demanding personality would go away, well... we'd both be unhappy people right now! Instead we stood and committed ourselves, in front of 120 of our friends and family, to take each other the way we were and make it work.

And if you intend to 'change' your future spouse- how can you even be sure you will like the changes? One thing Michael does as a result of marriage is the 'Yes, dear...' when he is distracted/irritated. I hate this, as it makes him sound emasculated, which he is certainly not. But he does it because it's an automatic 'shut Sarah up' mode that he has learned. One thing I do that Michael hates is worry- about every bleeding thing! But I've learned to worry about tiny things because he forgets small details that make our life better- like remembering to pay the electric bill. So I fret, first thing when I wake up- 'Did you pay the electric bill? Do we have enough money for gas? Groceries? Did we get the lawn mowed this week?' Mike hates it, but it's my defense against things going awry. These habits of ours have both been learned through our relationship, and they are ones we are working (kind of) at eradicating.

Be sure that the one you choose to marry has a good character as their central core- if they are a liar, a cheater, an abuser- run. But if they have a decent moral build to begin with, then any small things (forgetting to put the toilet seat down will not cause your family financial problems or give you an STD) can be put up with. Just don't enter a covenant of marriage with the intention of fixing that person.

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This leads me, by the way, to an addendum to this 'fix them' idea:

Emotional blackmail is never a basis for love, marriage, sex, or anything of the sort. If your spouse (or anyone in your family/friend circle) is not up to your standards, then crying, berating, belittling, or yelling is not going to change them for the better- it is going to slowly poison the relationship until both of you slowly lose your identity. Don't do it. Trust me on this, I watched it growing up, not only in my household but those of a couple of family members, and none of these people are ok now- not the victim or the abuser. That's right- if you use emotional blackmail you are an abuser. Stop.

Labels: change, husband, love, marriage, relationships, spouse, wife