The Urban Rebellion

The Urban Rebellion is a collection of stories, ideas, solutions, questions, recipes, instructionals, and general backlash against the consumerism and cynicism that pervades our modern world.

11/26/07

HOW TO: Build a Christmas Tree out of TRASH. More or less.


Howdy there, folks. Happy Holiday season to you all!
I had promised to tell you the 'ending' to my sad tale of short-fundedness of last Christmas. So, here we are...
Having found nothing but trash in my garage in the winter of 2006, and knowing, with my own and my husband's state of unemployment, that there would be no money that year, I decided to make the best seasonal decor that I could. A halfway decent live tree in Columbus was running about $50, and my tree stand was 5 hours away. I decided to take thew few dollars that I did have and put them into a few supplies:
Green Krylon spray paint- $3, felt remnant- $1, pipe cleaners- $1, pretty fabric remnant- $4, green tulle remnant- $2, all the green construction paper from my kid's multi-packs- virtually free. We collected a couple of weeks' worth of laundry soap bottles, pop bottles (no deposit or return in modern Ohio!) and steel cans, set them up in the basement, and proceeded to smoke ourselves out of our own house. (note to self for future: VENTILATION!)
Next, it was time to begin assembling an armature for the tree:
I have to apologize for the extremely poor quality of these photos. The camera has been subsequently punished by being lost in moving. So there.
Here you can see the 'trunk' shape taking place. About two days into this, the entire mess came toppling down, caused by the collapse of the box wall strength. They just don't make free Aldi boxes like they used to... {sigh}
If you are attempting this yourselves, I would like to stress to you the importance of these tips:
1.) A real tree has a rather fractal looking growth pattern. Just alternating directions of boxes will give you a kind of stiff-looking tree. If that's the look you're after- go for it! If you want something a tad more realistic, try angling layers by 30º as you go up.
2.) If you are going to decorate with ornaments and lights, make sure to leave spots open under protrusions, or you will have a hard time fitting stuff on.
3.) Make sure you have lots of glue sticks before beginning!
Here you can see how we ran the extension cord up into the middle of the tree. This allowed for better positioning of lights than if we just started them at the bottom.

Finished armature below: Now, on to the fun part!If this had been planned just a little further in advance, we could have had a better selection of bottles and can for shape. Here you can see the 'topper' pop bottle, as well as the beginnings of the pretty fabric. Glue, twist, press...

Having the extension cord coming out of the center was also wonderfully useful for wielding a hot glue gun at eye level.
Various green things being added on flat surfaces. Also utilization of child labor. Don't let the serious face fool you, this kid had a blast!
The green plates came from someone's party. I knew that this tree was a project, so instead of plain paper plates, we bought the 'holiday' green ones, washed the cake off (nasty grocery store frosting preferred to bond with the styrofoam) and glued them upside-down on open flat surfaces.

Green cups were from same party- can't remember whose or what for now. Here you can also see where some leftover green tissue worked its way into the design. Tissue is cheap, versatile, and makes a cool crinkly sound when you scrunch it.
Felt wrapped monster coffee can second from top. There's no evidence in this photo that I like plaid or anything...


Getting there. For ornament hangers, we twisted 2 pipe cleaners together (1 just wasn't strong enough for much weight) and formed it into a rather open figure eight. One end glued to the the tree at some point, the other end curled away from the tree to allow for ornament positioning.Varying the textures and shades of green gave it a nice feel and look, in our opinion. With the possibilities open, you could make just about any color or theme that you could dream up! I would love to do a pastel and shimmer one next year for my daughters' room.
Lights, ornaments, action! Finished tree. Height: 7' 10". Base width: 4'. Total cost: $22. Total time: (including that of my children) appx 14 hrs. Hot glue sticks used: 44 extra longs.
Oh Tannebaum.... how ever cheap your trash is...

This year both Michael and I have real jobs. We are also in Michigan, where you can get a respectable tree for $20, $10 if you want to cut it yourself. We have more time than money, and miss the wonderful smell of pine in our home, so we will be buying a tree and vacuuming needles. I haven't had a chance to stockpile trash, but next year I'm going to plan ahead, and we're doing this again. It'll be bigger. It'll be better. And it will be here again for you to see.

Merry Christmas!!

11/17/07

MY WEEK OF HELL

An experience with the Superbug that I didn't even really believe in.


by Sarah Jane Christenson

So last week was wretched. My littlest girl, Esther, came down with strep. I felt disgusting as well, with fever, chills, aches, and a wicked sore throat. Home from work early one day, i vowed to make my homemade chicken soup, always a spot of comfort on a sick autumn afternoon. The danged chicken was frozen solid, however, and warm water wasn't doing the trick fast enough. I had succeeded in dislodging the meat from its wrappings, but that nasty absorbent-paper stuff was firmly clinging to the backside.
Leverage was needed. In my feverish and impatient state, I reached for the nearest implement i could find, and my hand laid upon one extra-large, razor-sharp santoku knife. Somewhere in the back of my head a tiny voice rang out, saying "All you need is leverage, one of those heavy IKEA butterknives would do- they're blunt..."
But i've never been one to listen to that little voice.

The Christenson family had a 2-for-1 that night at nearby Mercy Hospital- Esther with an elevated fever, myself with 3 stitches in my left thumb. We took home the usual faceless discharge papers, amoxicillin for the baby, and- the height of fashion- scratchy plastic hospital bracelets.
I may have taken one home one more little gift.

I am not blaming the local hospital. I am trying not to take into account the stories I've heard about infections, lax standards of cleanliness, or disaffected staff. I am not even going to start in on their archaic no-VBAC birthing policy, which forced my sister to have 3 cesarean sections over just 4 years. Hell, I was born there, centuries ago, and I'm still alive (I think), as are many of my family members.

I was discharged from the ER at about 9pm, Wednesday, November 7th. I took my sorry stitched self off to bed eventually and slept uneasily amidst the fever and growing sore throat. Must've caught Esther's strep, I told myself, I'll make a doctor's appointment in the morning.
There were, however, no appointments to be had, not for someone who has recently re-relocated to the area and has no family doctor yet. Earliest I could get in was December, and I'd either be dead or better by then. I was advised to make a trip to the after hours walk-in clinic. Thursday I trotted off to the clinic, now adding severe abdominal pain to my list of complaints. This pain was in my appendix area, and I was starting to panic just a little. I couldn't swallow anything that day, my throat had actually swollen shut. And it was more than a sore throat, the lymph nodes were enlarged and tender.
To make a long story short, i was sent home with basically nothing wrong with me. A rapid lab test showed no strep, and the lab culture 2 days later also showed a negative. A white blood cell count lab came back normal as well, effectively nixing my appendix idea. But i was still in pain, a lot of pain. Could the doctor tell me what it might be? The doctor who saw me that night only works Thursdays, if I liked I could come back in and see Dr. so-and-so. What, and wait around again only to be sent home? No thank you. Could they give me something for the pain, then? I can barely talk. Oh, it's just pain meds you want, we'll call in a scrip. (implying that i should've gotten right to the point and had them quench my opiate addiction from the beginning?)
"These are not the pains you think you have..."

Tramadol is a painkiller that works, i suppose, rather like vicodin. It tells the central nervous system that no, you're not experiencing the pain you think you're experiencing. Kind of like a Jedi mind trick if you ask me. Well, i don't know what the heck Tramadol told my central nervous system, but on Sunday, let's just say my body rebelled and chucked it all back at me. And then some.

So after a fun weekend of vomiting, shivering, and generally being miserable, I cleaned myself up as best as I could and stumbled off to work on Monday. I was frustrated at being sick on the painkillers, i was frustrated that no one cared enough to help me get better, and to add insult to injury, I was breaking out. I have struggled with cystic acne since teenagehood, always hoping and praying that it would just go away, but it is always there, a humbling reminder of my hormonal imbalance. This time was worse than usual, though. Not only were there half a dozen of the painful blemishes, the one to the right of my right eye was hot, hard, wicked painful, and growing. This is how I normally look, more or less:By Wednesday night, i looked like this:Scary, huh? Apart from everyday ugliness, you can see the disfigurement start. It's hard to see from the crappy PhotoBooth shot, but there was a line of black running from the center of the thing, down under my skin to the sensitive eye area. This was no ordinary zit, my husband assured me. It was an infection, and it was spreading fast. I screamed inside at having to visit the ER again, twice in one week, but the pain was creeping around my head by now and overrode my social ilk.
At the ER, the first thing the nurse asked me, after looking at it, was: "Has anyone you know been diagnosed with MRSA lately?"
I just stared. You know how when you first hear a word, you mentally associate it with a spelling? I visualized merceh, for some idiot reason. Having been nerd enough to bring my laptop with me, I hopped on the Mercy wifi to look it up while I waited to be seen by a doctor.
By the time the young Phys Assist got to my room, i was pretty scared.
MRSA is a penicillin-resistant, super-nasty staph infection, basically. I really don't know where i picked it up- from the nail salon (my one beauty weakness!), the hospital, the clinic, or even my own dear grubby-fingered children. Mayo clinic says it os most often acquired from health personnel. I will always wonder, but MRSA preys on a weakened immune system and enters through broken skin. I had the weakened immune system to be sure. Of course, i know none of you, perfect people, obsessively mess with your face, but i do. I do it all the time, to be frank. I hate it, i have tried to break this habit for over seventeen years, with no result. Someday i'll find a pill or a shrink that will help, but for now i just berate myself for it. And suffer life-threatening infections. I honestly hope this will have cured it for me, but who knows.

They started me on heavy antibiotics and sent me home. By 5am Thursday the swelling was worse, but they had said to wait it out a few hours before doing anything. I wish i had a picture of myself by Thursday afternoon, but it would probably just fry your computer screen from sheer ugliness. I could only see out of my left eye because my right one had disappeared behind a swollen, unrecognizable mass of flesh. Eyelashes weren't even visible. My oldest daughter couldn't bear to look at me, i was in unbearable pain, and i was terrified. My eyes are my livelihood, having only one is not an option. With no depth perception i was dropping things and bumping into walls. Trying to carve delicate shapes in wax would be near impossible.
"Wash your hands more often." the ER nurse had told me. Nice thing to do to an already OCD person, give them one more worry. Germs have never been my preoccupation, but they're now above that 'going-to-drive-into-oncoming-traffic' phobia i have. I already wash my hands, lady, much more than most people. You see, when i work, i cannot have body oil on my hands because it affects the wax. So 20 times a day i am in the bathroom, soap and all that...

Anyhow.
Back at the ER (now my local hangout!) i recounted my miseries to the cheerful male nurse, who led me back to an exam room. The Phys Asst who had helped me the night before jumped when he saw how much worse it had become, but was quick to reassure me that they would take care of everything.
Four hours, 1 CT scan, and 2 extra courses of booster antibiotics later, i was again sent home. They did the CT scan to determine whether or not the infection had settled in behind my eye, which would be bad. I might have to wear a titanium-plated banana comb on my eyes, like Geordi. Maybe my husband would never look at me with love in his eyes again, maybe my children would be repulsed forever!

Here is how i looked yesterday, Friday the 16th. There's an eye in there somewhere!
Better or not? You be the judge. Either way it's scary. We had to sanitize everything in the house. Thank the Good Lord, i have recently acquired an LG Tromm set of washer/dryer, and it has an extra hot/very cold sanitize setting. So anything i may have touched or oozed on has been cleaned.
Today is Saturday and the swelling going down even more. My eye is now fully usuable, although seeping something icky. The skin all around the eye is red, peeling, broken, and highly irritated from being messed with in such an unstately manner. The swelling (like the doctors said it would) is sliding down my face, leaving me with one chipmunk cheek and a slightly fat lip. The abscess feels like it is filling back up, getting hot and hard again. I do NOT want to go back to the ER, but it is the weekend and i doubt as my randomly-assigned followup doc is in until Monday. My antibiotics make me sick to my stomach and cranky as all get out. My arms are bruised from the IVs and blood-drawing, and no one will even confirm my lab results over the phone. I refuse to go out in public until i look human. This is the current state of hideous:As you can see, not much better looking. I called the ER about it and a very rude nurse told me that I could come in (again!) or contact my followup doc. Click. I'll sleep on it tonight and see.
Meanwhile, a friendly reminder to wash your hands more often,
and stay away from hospitals.
They make you sick.

DEC 2,
UPDATE!!! THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE FINALLY CALLED AND KINDLY INFORMED ME THAT I ONLY HAD STREP. IN MY FRIGGIN' FACE. NO WORRIES. STILL OCCASIONALLY FATAL, BUT NOT nearly AS MUCH. NOT AS SCARY. WHAT A LETDOWN. And now if i get sick in the next year or two my system will be more drug resistant than it could have been BEFORE the extra courses of unnecessary antibiotics. Oh well. I'm alive, right? Right? back to my normal two-eyed self. Merry Christmas!!!!

A history of my love affair with Christmas

Growing up in Northern Michigan, I had easy access to that inimitable bastion of the holiday season: the Christmas tree. All that was required of us was an axe and a couple of strong backs to drag it back across the 40 acres to our rather miserable hovel.

Now just because we had easy access doesn't mean we always had a tree completely decked for the season. My father, never very interested in any holiday, would often put up some argument against said festive element. Granted, the house was so badly designed for space there really was no open spot to set a tree of respectable 3-4 ft diameter. But about every other year our pleas won out and we would happily hang our paltry little collection of ornaments: colored wax paper origami stars, sprinkled lightly with that old chunky glitter you don't see anymore, awful glue-smeared elementary school concoctions, and the dainty little ornaments that my nonna sent us most years.
Then we moved to Tucson. Our first winter there was spent in a 28' motor home. Yes, you read that right. Not a mobile home, but an actual motor home. In a trailer park. With 3 kids. And you wonder why I turned out subnormal? I don't remember what we had that year, i doubt as it was much of anything. But we had one reminder of the life we left behind- snow. Tucson rarely gets snow, but it snowed that year, Christmas day, 1987.

We kept that routine for seven more years- summer in Michigan, winter in Arizona. At least by then we had purchased a real (with running water!) house in the suburbs. It was a good setup, and over the next few years we started to become- dare I say- middle class. The little mall store that we operated began to trickle in just enough money that my mom usually allowed herself the luxury of a tree. I have only a dim memory of the last few trees there, as i worked an average of 85 hours per week as the holiday approached.
When we moved back to Michigan we lived once again in the squalid post & beam monstrosity my dad built. Even less now was room for a tree, let alone time or cheer for it. Retail had crept into our lives and taken over everything that could have once been magical about the holidays. Now it was all about how much we could sell, for how much profit, so that we could grow the business more. The year that my dad accidentally knocked 3 ornaments off the diminutive tree, sticking timidly out into the narrow space between couch and derelict fireplace, was the last year a tree was allowed in that house.
Happily for me, I was married a month later. With my new and wonderful husband I vowed to always let Christmas be the holiday that I envisioned- festive, colorful, & happy. Our first Christmas i was disgustingly pregnant and poor, but we managed to acquire a soft white pine tree and plenty of ornaments. Ignorant young things that we were, we ran our checking account grossly into the negative, but, my, it was a lovely tree!
Every year since then we have a had a tree of some sort. Over the past few years my collection of ornaments has evolved from blue and gold to more jewel tones. And the trees have all been memorable. There was the 14 footer that fell down with the most delicious crash ever, breaking most of my ornaments. There was the white pine that we strung so many lights on that one could see the glow seeping through the cracks in the window casements of our restoration home.
But last year was not kind to us. Laid off in November of 2006, Michael's prospects of finding a job before the end of the year were slim. He applied everywhere that he could think of, but no one wanted to hire. "Come back in January," they'd say, "we don't want to do paperwork for someone who will only work 3 weeks of this year." Or, "Sure we're hiring. Earliest interview in January."
Fresh Christmas trees in Columbus cost around $60. A decent tree stand costs about $15, and I couldn't bear buying one when I had (count 'em) three sitting in storage in Michigan. I couldn't justify the expense, not when we were existing on the charity of friends and family. My heart was heavy- would this be another wretched holiday like those of my past- aching feet, gift disappointment, my dad's monotone Bible readings for hours on end? It could not be. I had vowed to have festivity, and I would have festivity, damnit!
First I looked around for something to sell. Something, anything. I had already pawned my wedding diamonds for rent money. We had pawned our power tools for groceries. Mike's baseball card collection wasn't getting any takers, and the small amount of handmade jewelry that I had left would cost more to list on ebay than it would've made in profit. What else did I have? Frantic, I ran out into the garage for ideas. Nothing but trash, things we kept meaning to send to the recycling place.
So what did we do?
Find out next week, right here.

11/10/07

Excerpts from a Novel~

Here are some excerpts from my newest novel...

INTO THE BRIGHT PLANET
by Sarah Jane Christenson

There is this idea that only the extraordinary people get to travel to space. Only the high achievers, the super intelligent, the excessively educated, and most recently, the uber-wealthy seem worthy of the honor. I am none of these things, no one important or gifted, not even particularly smart. It was almost pure accident that got me there.
***
Tomorrow.
Within the framework of our lives, one day is nearly nothing. If our lives are, as the Bible says, but a hand’s breadth, then what is one day? Not even visible against the wrinkles and cracks of months and years.
So, why then should the word ‘tomorrow’ cause one so much anguish? I’ll tell you- because man cannot bear the anticipation of the unknown. I’m sure you’ve heard about the electric shock studies, how three fourths of subjects chose the sharper immediate shock over the anticipated lesser one. We’d all rather take immediate letdown or grief than have to wit and wonder.
***
Uncle touched a spot on the door, and with a great shudder of metal, it began to slide open. As it moved, my mind finally clicked onto what the building had reminded me of- an airplane hangar.
Eyes adjusting to the workshop lighting inside, I found the reason for the great building with its great yawning maw.
A thing was resting on sawhorses. A skeleton, rather like a large dead spider, black, sprawling, and ugly. There was a central body, from which ten arms (or legs?) protruded up and out, bending at the knees and curling back on themselves. The center shaft was dotted with eyes of shining mesh, covering- what? I surely didn’t know.
I didn’t know much of anything, but I knew what I was looking at.
“Your prize- this was what it was all about- you had to see for yourself, didn’t you?” I blithered.
He nodded in spite of my confusing question.
“This is what it is all about. Most certainly. We are going to Venus, Leda.”
***
“Eighty-thousand meters,” Peter’s voice came, surprisingly soft, through his vent. Several heads turned to him, unable to repel their obsession with fate, as he counted down our imminent demise.
“Seventy, sixty-five, sixty…”
Someone caught Kumwar’s helmet and passed it to him, commanding him to put it on.
“Forty thousand meters…”
“Twenty thousand meters to impact.”
“Shut up, Peter…”
“Ten thousand…”

I looked around at all the faces near me. Maybe we wouldn’t die. Maybe we would land softly, maybe we would land in water and float to safety. Maybe we should have never left earth…
I smiled at Brandley, sitting directly across from me, fiddling desperately with the controls. He was an awfully nice guy… maybe I should have kissed him… my eyes fell on Sharon, nice lady that she was… if she had been Uncle’s lover, he never would have died so young…

The impact was not as bad as I would have thought.
It was worse.
I think my neck has become permanently damaged, although I had fastened it into the nifty restraint. The ship literally screamed in pain as metal hit rock, plastic hit dirt, and thousands of hours of work hit the solid reality of a flawed system.
The odd thing about the impact was how long it lasted. It felt like we slid into dirt and rock for miles, when in reality it could have only been a few feet, right?
***
I never knew how much chaos fifteen people could create. Wendell began barking orders for people to relax, fall into a set pattern of assessing damage, but no one listened. Everyone was busy crying and yelling and crawling over the mess. Sharon found her kit, somehow, and began dressing Bethany’s wounds, gently removing the burnt leather and vinyl and scrubbing the remains off with a sterile pad. Traeger had a little machine and was walking around, looking confused, poking the machine into various orifices and frowning, occasionally cursing. Finally he threw off his helmet, breathed in deeply, and shook Peter by the shoulder,
“It’s air!” He screamed, forgetting he no longer had to project his voice through a small vent, “Oxygen! By God, it’s clean! We can breathe better here than at home!”
Peter stared at him, and, beside him, Parito unfastened his helmet and threw the thing away from him, breathing in deeply. But that wasn’t what caused the next big reaction.
We all watched Parito’s helmet skitter across the crumpled floor and roll into a corner. And stay there. We looked at each other, standing on the tilted ship deck, rubble lying in piles at our feet.
“Oxygen and gravity. There goes about five grand at Cornell.”
***
Someone’s shovel hit something with a loud clink.
Everyone stopped working, and we heard the scraping sound now closer than ever, almost as if it were right on top of us.
And then we realized that it was on top of us.
Some dirt crumbled down onto Dan’s head, and then the light coursed through a long slit just above us.

Fourteen pairs of human eyes looked up into seven pairs of Venusian eyes.
***
Each member of the dinner had been presented with a very shallow bowl, hammered out of a shiny, heavy, silver-white metal. Inside of these bowls was a liquid that was almost not even there. You could not really see a reflection in it, like any normal liquid, but you could somehow see it was there, whether from the faint blue haze that rolled off the top, or the slight ‘swish’ sound the fluid made when you moved the bowl. If you stuck your finger in it (which I did), it would not come back wet, but you felt like something viscous had indeed come in contact with your digit.
I raised the vessell to my face and tried to smell it, and succeeded only in making my eyes water a bit.
“Platinum.” Traeger stated perfunctorily.
We all stared at him.
“It’s platinum. Frigging noble metal, and they’re friggin’ drinking out of it. The same stuff my wife insisted on spending double for our wedding bands… I’m about to drink xenon out of it.”
“This, it is xenon?” Giuseppe asked doubtfully. Traeger made a face at him and didn’t bother to answer.
***
There is no distinction between day and night on Venus. When I refer to ‘day’ or ‘night’ in the rest of this story, I am referring to a period of 24 hours, for a point of reference only. The Yirtibians do not even celebrate the concept of a unit of time called a day… there is no week or month or year here… only a steady lapping of time against the shore of existence.
Their days, if measured like ours, are two hundred and twenty-two days. Not exactly conducive to the nocturnal habits we humans have adopted.
But such are humans (and humanoids). We are adaptable, to say the least.
***
“Do you want to stay here or go home?” he asked, his voice tight. I could see a little vein making a tic on the side of his temple.
I could answer flippantly, I could answer truthfully, or I could feel him out for his own preference and go with that, to avoid discussion. What I wanted to say terrified me, I felt my heart start to hammer and my head start to whirl. Laying my heart open to him seemed a bit premature, but what else did I have? Whose set of relational standards was I going by here? And why did I feel like I had to follow them? I could play cat-and-mouse forever, or I could just be simple and honest, and brave whatever came after.
“I want to be wherever you are.” I said softly.
***
The Yirtirbians let us bury Sammy in their little compost graveyard. We were given to understand that they have no taboo about suicides, and all was apparently forgiven. The next time we entered the city, we found the waterfall intact once again, missing only the top section. They had set up their own scaffold, removed the offending pieces, repaired the chip in the malachite (poisonous, so I’m told) and all was well once again.
***
I knew it the moment I conceived him. I know they say that’s impossible, mere superstition, but they’re wrong.


Interested? Hit me up for the full version. Also available next year as chapter-by-chapter Podcasts, read by the author (who can't afford a professional reader, yet;))

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